I was reading a discussion on excuses for losing on the About.com table tennis forum when forum member bes posted a hilarious list of reasons for losing which neither put you at fault or gave the credit to your opponent.
Once I had finished cleaning the coffee off my monitor, I had a flash of inspiration. After all, who needs more advice on how to win, when what you really need is something that helps you to explain why it wasn’t your fault that you lost? And so the Instant Excuse Generator was born…
Benefits of the Instant Excuse Generator
The Instant Excuse Generator is simple and easy to use! It’s no charge! It’s effective! It’s guilt free! No more having to tell your friends that your opponent was just too good on the day, when you know that he really was just lucky to win!
How the Instant Excuse Generator Works
When you are beaten by another player and your friends ask you what happened, just pull out the Instant Excuse Generator and fill in the blanks at random from the selections provided. Hey Presto! The perfect reason for losing in a flash!
I lost today because _________(1) and the/my __________(2) stopped me from/made me __________(3).
I lost today because the poor lighting and my opponent’s junk rubber made me get bored.
See – it’s quick, easy and effective! No more giving the credit to unworthy opponents!
|Options for Blank (1)||Options for Blank (2)||Options for Blank (3)|
|glare off tables||weird air movement||dizzy|
|glare off opponent’s bald spot||gravity inversion||concentrating|
|altitude||unexpected match compression||high|
|temperature (hot or cold, your choice…)||opponent’s glue fumes||fall over|
|excess cho-ing||cheering parents||go blind|
|my opponent’s lack of fight||biased umpire||throw my racket|
|my bad glue job||opponent’s junk rubber||kick the table|
|my opponent got too many edges||sweat balls||hitting the ball|
|lack of prize money||pot smoke||seeing the ball|
|concrete floor||opponent’s Dr Neubauer rubbers||forget the score|
|there were too many stray balls / lets||sweat on my glasses||nauseous|
|I haven’t been training lately||athlete’s foot||get red carded|
|I must have over-trained||shoulder injury||give up|
|my feet were really sluggish||rubber was coming off the blade||get bored|
|I can’t play without speed glue||umpire’s fault calls||cramp up|
|my shoes were giving me blisters||match on adjacent table was too good to miss…||rush my shots|
|opponent’s coach was staring at me||opponent’s illegal speed glue||miss my match|
|there was too much sweat on the ball||incorrect time table||faint|
|there was too much sweat on the table||heavy traffic||misread his serves|
|there was too much sweat on my rubber||incompetent umpire||go postal|
|my opponent’s illegal serves||slippery floor||pull a muscle|
|my opponent was unbelievably lucky||breeze in the hall||being in the zone|
|the poor lighting||huge meal at the buffet||being able to move|
|lack of warm up||incorrect seedings||lock up|
|crappy balls||excessive clapping||lose in my round robin|
|crappy tables||opponent’s sandbagging||get nervous|
|my opponent’s “chickenwing” style||heckling from the crowd||break my racket|